the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
