You smell like a Billy Joel song
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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