alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
