Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
