I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
