Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just found puke in my bra..
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
