My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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