Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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