Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
