i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
