I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
