I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
