Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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