i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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