This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
