Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
farters have to be the big spoon...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
