mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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