Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
