my sisters under your porch take her home
she pinky promised me she was 18
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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