There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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