I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
