How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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