stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
