What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
