turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
