end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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