her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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