I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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