When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
