they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
