I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
