my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
