If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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