I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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