just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
