...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
