I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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