She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
