Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
