There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
