First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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