I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
