im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
