My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
