i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
