now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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