I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
