i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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