So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
