Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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