He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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